Just finished this book of poetry from Mr. Sam Pink. This one had a bunch of good ones, but here are my favorites...
"I want to be your movie bad guy. When you walk into a room that I am already in, I will have my back turned, and I will be looking out a stormy window, pouring a glass of some kind of brown liquor. Then I will say something cryptic and sip the liquor. Lightning will illuminate my scowl. I will convert all my maniacal endeavors into something that can be activated by a button, so that every once in a while I can lift the glass cover to the button and wave my fingers about it, threateningly. On one of my fingers, probably my pinky, I will wear a big ring. The ring will enclose a large gemstone, a gemstone I had extracted from my mine, by an impoverished child-laborer using a rusty ax. I will kidnap one of your relatives (I've been practicing at a nursery so I'm damn fucking good) and then situate that relative in a room with a blanket over their head, so when you confront me, I will laugh and then scratch the blanket away and say something snide, perhaps "Check this shit out motherfucker." And protect your pets, because I will even strap bombs and shit to them. I will strap bombs to your fish and/or canary. The bombs will have an adequate amount of time left on them to disarm them (because I'm not a total asshole). I want to be your movie bad guy but I'm only mean to you because I have a crush on you."
"There's a big stain on my t-shirt. I traced around it with a marker and cut it out. I took it to the park and let it play with the other kids. While it played I talked to the other parents. I told them how it had been hard for the stain to adjust in school. How the stain came home crying every day. How the other kids pushed the stain around and punched it. Then I realized that I wasn't at a park and was actually drunk and half dead lying on the banks of a small pond in the middle of the woods alone, talking to a dandelion."
"Soft and shiny is a good way to describe your hair after using some really good shampoo. Soft and shiny is also a good way to describe my penis after I get really drunk and spill glitter on my penis"
"If I were pregnant I'd eat a lot of spiders so my baby would turn into a superhero."
"I want to get my grandma's face tattooed on my stomach so it stares at everyone I fuck."
"Hair metal sucks."